Pretty much everyone has said that they think it's great we haven't found out the gender of this baby. And they're right - it is great, and we are awesome for doing things this way. That's right, we rule. And we doubly rule because we're not revealing name choices. So thanks to everyone for telling us how awesome we are, but we already knew it.
However, I've discovered a downside, and as K pretended to listen to me last night as she fell asleep I outlined the problem. For the sake of explaining this, we're going to have to use imaginary names in place of the spectacularly terrific real names we've picked, so I'll use grandparent names instead (that would be my grandparents, not the baby's grandparents).
As it stands right now, there are two outcomes. The first is that we will have a little boy named, err, Norman. The existence of Norman right now is just as real as the existence of the other outcome (Eileen). We can imagine what Norman and Eileen might be like, how they will look, how they will behave, what their personality will be like as they grow into fully-functioning citizens of the world. So we (or maybe I) have created in our minds these two people, whether we like it or not, and the fact we've picked names makes them both more real than if we hadn't. You just can't help but think of the future when you have a kid on the way.
Problem is, the moment the baby is born and the gender reveals itself, one of those two outcomes ceases to exist. I fear that this will be a loss of sorts. Will I be too overcome with joy at the birth of Norman to mourn the loss of Eileen (or vice versa)? How will this resolve itself? Will the presence of one completely eliminate the previously possible existence of the other in a way that I'll be unable to feel loss for something that never even existed?
I would like to hear from other parents who also refused to find out the gender. Maybe I'm just overthinking this and being generally weird.
A Very Belated Birthday Post
12 years ago
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We declined to find out gender in advance with both boys. Both times I was certain I was having a girl. Each time they handed me the baby I was surprised by the "it's a boy" announcement. With Django, I was so elated, I really had wanted a boy. I'm the kind of woman who really does better with me and I really wanted a boy. With Ansel, I was happy, but there was a tinge of sadness because I knew I was not going to ever have the little girl I thought I was having. At first it was a little hard, it didn't mean I wasn't thrilled with Ansel, but it was in the back of my mind. After time it passed and now I have no idea why I ever wanted a little girl. Two boys is right for me! (I'd have a third if the husband agreed, and I'd be hoping for another boy too)
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're over thinking it. I do think there is a tiny loss for the one you don't have. But trust me, once they arrive they are so much more work, more exhausting, more exciting and more amazing than you ever thought, it pushes all of that aside.
I can't wait to find out what you guys have.
I was, as you know, convinced beyond reasonable doubt that my oppspring was to be a boy. I wanted to paint the rooom in the colour we had decided for him, I had a name. HE EXISTED in my mind. I had thought of him every day for months, I had imagined him and I had said his name. And then he was no more. But imaginary is all he was, he never really existed beyond my imagination. Every movement, kick, physical association I had, was infact now the property of my goregous little daughter.
ReplyDeleteBeyond the financial hardship of all the bets I lost with relatives on the sex of the baby, I was genuinley disappointed when Cara was born. But that feeling lasted seconds and was quickly replaced by jump up in the air excitement. Cara quickly decided she needed to reel me in and responded to my voice on the warming table and looked right at me. When that happens, all bets are off, she captured my soul.
You will be overwhelmed with love and feelings for ths little bundle no matter what!