News of the Weird

Naturally, all preggers women experience some wacky changes in their bodies, their thoughts and their activities as they prepare for the even bigger changes to come. While mine are certainly not unique, they have been intriguing.

I began waking up in the night to use the loo about a month into the pregnancy. Nothing unusual there. Women tend to experience bathroom urges in the first and third trimesters as pregnancy hormones increase the need to pee and as the baby grows and presses against ones bladder. Fun.

But I began to wake up at exactly the same time, each and every night. 3:32 a.m. The witching hour. Didn't seem to matter what time I went to bed or how much water I drank.

3:32 a.m.

Tell the world

The second trimester was just around the corner. Everything was on track. After three months it was finally time to tell the world.

When we got engaged we ran into some problems with the whole "big reveal" thing. We called my family first, then tried to call K's family. The only problem was that her mum was on a cruise and was unreachable. By the time she called in, K's sister had spoken to her first and given her the news because she knew we wanted her mum to contact us so we could nail down a date. To make things worse, the news had spread to my extended family very quickly and some of the younger member's had already posted about it on Facebook. We realized our error but it was too late - the whole world knew before K's mum, which was a real shame.

This time would be different. We went as far as to "book" phone calls with her family, whilst we planned a brunch for mine, since they were close by. Just to be 100% sure that her family would be the first to know we booked the calls for the Friday, whilst the brunch was Saturday.

We still couldn't keep things completely quiet. A week before the "reveal" we had our friends CP&CB over for dinner. It was a last minute thing, but we decided to tell them, since they were mere weeks from the birth of their baby. We were hanging out in the kitchen and I said "oh, hey, we have some pictures to show you". I ran and grabbed the ultrasound snaps and handed them. CB burst into tears and she had to abruptly sit down on CP's lap - it was a very powerful response! CP was also excited and he immediately expressed his joy that we were all going to share this next chapter of our lives, where we become parents. It was true - who better to have as comrades than close friends who live around the corner. It takes a village, and all that....

We were so relieved to finally tell people in our "inner circle". Up to this point the only people we had told were the HR director at my office, a classmate of K's who works in HR, the vet our bird goes to, the woman at the front desk of the motel in Buttonwillow and of course numerous healthcare professionals.

Friday came around and we made the calls to K's family. Her mum was delighted of course, and surprised. We had never revealed to anyone that we were considering starting a family, so we expected surprise from many people. Her dad on the other hand had guessed, based upon us having gone to great lengths to "book" a phone call. Her sister had thought the call might be to say we were moving to Europe or something, so she was also quite surprised but really pleased. Being a mother of two little boys, it would no doubt bring their sisterly bond even closer.

The next day was brunch. Sadly my sister couldn't make it, so we called her and her fiance earlier. They had called us first when they got engaged, so we were pleased to do the same with our big news two months later. It also meant we could finally say that we hoped their wedding would be next year so we could make it - and she confirmed that it would be. So there would be one extra guest!

The brunch guests arrived: my brother, parents and C&C who didn't want to miss the fireworks. After pouring mimosas for everyone but CB and K, I pulled the same trick, only this time brought my camera with me to capture the reaction (and then deleted the video by accident, grrr!) My mum went very quiet and then started crying - it was very touching. My dad was simply extremely happy and so was my brother. It was a lovely moment.

Next day we told my other sister, who had just returned from Mexico with her husband and 1-year-old daughter. I told her that we'd special-ordered a gift for her daughter that would arrive in September and was called a "cousin". She squeeled in delight!

From then on, we rushed to tick boxes - employers, close friends and then finally on the following Friday it went on Facebook. Now everyone would know!

The word was out. And that was nice.

Genetic testing

The older a woman is, the higher the likelihood that her baby will have genetic defects. The most common of these is Down Syndrome and women over 35 are considered most at risk. K is 37, so we were looking at numbers that said 1 in every 230 babies born to a 37-year-old woman has DS. However, the chances of a fetus having it are even higher, because many fetuses with the defect are terminated. Add to that the fact that K will be 38 when the baby is born and we were looking at something like 1 in 120.

These figures caused me great stress. I spent hours and hours number crunching. I found out about the screening test we were due to have and factored in false positives, false negatives and came up with an elaborate table about what it would mean should our screening test come back positive. It became clear that however high the odds were that the baby would have DS, they were massively higher that the screen would come back positive. So not only did I fear DS itself (1 in 120), I had to accept that 9 out of every 10 positive screens were false. Turns out that there was a 1 in 20 chance we'd be faced with a getting news at the screen that wouldn't allow us to breathe easy, and would require a diagnostic test called CVS. Even though the likelihood would be that the diagnostic test would come back with a good result, the stress of going through that would be terrible. No-one talks about this aspect of pregnancy, and we vowed that we'd be open and honest with people about the toll it takes.

With all this racing through our heads, we showed up at the hospital on March 2nd for the genetic screen. First we had an interview with a genetic counselor who asked us about family histories, and told us what our options were for screening. We opted for a sequential screen which discloses the results of the first screen and doesn't roll them into the second screen at 16 weeks for one final number. I wanted to know NOW and K agreed. If this screen looked good, we could go ahead with our plan to tell people in the 13th week.

Now it was the moment of truth. We went into the ultrasound room. The technician was going to measure something on the back of the baby's neck called the "nuchal translucency". This layer of fluid is present early in a pregnancy, and is a pretty good indicator of risk for DS. A typical measurement of the NT is up to 2.5mm. Anything beyond that indicates an above average chance of DS. The bigger the NT gap, the higher the chances of DS, to the point where a 6mm gap is something like a 1 in 4 chance.

The image came up on the screen. I could barely look. As amazing as it was to see this little creature, I wanted the tech to get the measurement so I could either relax or panic. After spending a few moments to get the little thing to orient itself properly she took the reading. When she said "1.2mm" I was ecstatic! It was definitely one of the top five single moments of my life, whilst the lead-up to both this and the awful appointment at 7 weeks were in the top five worst times.

Now I could breathe and enjoy the privelige of seeing our baby on the screen. There was a heartrate of 171 and the baby was very active, going through some kind of muy thai kickboxing routine, limbs punching and kicking imaginary exercise bags in the womb. It was a delightful experience.

After another blood test for K, we were ready to go, and the next six months stretched out before us. Until the screen it was impossible to look any further than that. Now we could let ourselves think about the world of possibilities ahead... names, bedroom furniture, how people would respond to the news, what will this little person grow up to be like, how we will do as parents, what our lives will be like, how much is it going to cost, schools, hobbies, the list goes on.... So much to think about, and all accompanied by an enormous sense of relief. Although there were more hurdles ahead, this was the biggest, at least to me. Finally we could admit to ourselves that we would parents, and in 10 days we would admit all that to our families too.

In-between was still scary for some

While N relaxed and got used to the idea of parenthood and the process ahead of us, the bleeding continued. For a month an a half. Despite reassuring words from our OB, the bleeding was a daily reminder of the fragility of the adventure we were just embarking on. It was a reminder that was very difficult to ignore or buy into the idea that "all was fine". It wasn't until that stopped, that I felt we could breath a bit and really enjoy the pregnancy.

And the hanky panky. And the gym.

The in-between time

By mid-February, we were past the terrible scare but were still a month away from telling people what was up. We were also a couple of weeks from the first genetic test.

We were in a no-man's (or woman's) land. No reason to be too worried about anything, reasonably hopeful that all is going well, one blurry ultrasound in our pocket, and doing whatever we could to avoid difficult social interactions where K would have to justify her apparent addiction to mineral water or orange soda.

One weekend morning we were going to meet with our friends C&C at the Beach Chalet for brunch and drinks. At the last minute we declined a ride with them - that was so K could drive and justify not drinking.

A friend of mine who I go motorcycling with had been trying to make plans to go to the MotoGP race at Laguna Seca in June. This year, he decided, we were camping. Only one problem. Since K and I were both planning on going to the race, and K would definitely not be camping at 6 months pregnant, I needed an elaborate story to explain why I couldn't commit to camping just yet. I managed to buy some time but it took a white lie to do so. I'm not a fan of lying.

Another night we were at C&C's house for a big party - they were mere weeks away from their baby being born so wanted one last shindig. K once again had to make up stories about why wasn't drinking - the usual plan of blaming all the work she had to get done for her masters degree was probably good enough, although we had a feeling someone might be onto us. The fact my parents were there didn't help the subterfuge either. Parents like to ask questions.

The biggest issue of all related to K's job. Without going into the details, we were concerned that a general agreement between her and her boss that she'd be leaving sometime in 2009 now threatened her chances of getting the benefits she deserved. Her boss tried to firm up the agreement, but K needed some time - she couldn't tell him until we were at three months. This, more than anything else, was the biggest cloud on the horizon. That is, until the genetic test...

Problems

You hope for a trouble-free pregnancy. Often it doesn't turn out that, and on January 26th things started to go a bit pear-shaped. K reported that she had some minor bleeding. This didn't really worry us, and a quick call to the doc confirmed this. But one week later, with no change, we started to worry. Another call to the doc, more questions from her, and once again we were told that there was no big cause for concern. By Thursday we had had enough. The doc told us to come in that afternoon. Suddenly it seemed that there *was* cause for concern. Now we were truly worried. We started thinking about ectopic pregnancies or simply imminent failure.

They were squeezing us in at 4pm, so we arrived a few minutes early. There were a couple of women in the waiting room with their glorious big bellies, looking all pregnant and happy, whilst we cowered in the corner, terrified for the worst, feeling like outsiders who were about to told whether we could or couldn't join some kind of special club.

Other women came and went and we continued to wait. Obviously we were having to wait for all the regular appointments to go first, but it got more and more excruciating. K and I were working each other into a frenzy of worry, doubt and fear, and all these other women were rubbing salt into a big, open wound. This hour was perhaps the worst hour of either of our lives. That's not an exaggeration. The way we saw it at the time, the life of our baby hung in the balance.

Finally we got called in. It was the first time we got to meet our OB doc, Dr. U. She was young, friendly and her smile was pure sunshine. K "assumed the position" and the doc started poking around. Almost immediately there was bleeding. This was fabulous news, and indicated that her cervix was the source of the blood. In pregnancy, often some of the cells on the inside of the cervix get forced to the outside, where they bleed easily. This is what was going on in this case, and it posed no threat to the baby. Relief flooded the tiny room.

Dr. U took the opportunity to do an ultrasound, even though we would be back for our first scheduled appointment the next week. We peered at the screen and saw nothing until Dr. U pointed out a completely nondescript blob on the screen. This, apparently, was the fetus. A measurement confirmed the due date, and with that we were done, armed with the advice from Dr. U that included no hanky panky until the second trimester. Damn! Oh well, it could be worse...

A hike and some discussions

Not long after we found out that we were expecting, we went for a hike at Point Reyes. It was Martin Luther King Day, the weather was lovely and it seemed like a good way for us both to get some exercise.


It was really lovely up there, perched on the edge of the Pacific. We took a picnic and chatted over lunch about the challenges that lay ahead. We talked about what we might do if any of the tests turned revealed major issues with the fetus. K, who has always been a fervent supporter of women's reproductive rights admitted that terminating a pregnancy might not be the decision she would make, but that she was glad to have the choice. I fully agree of course.

After lunch, as we got further around the loop, the conversation turned to happier topics. Although we didn't want to make too many decisions or make too many preparations in the first trimester, we did pick a colour scheme and a theme. We weren't sure if we wanted to know the sex so we picked a colour scheme that would work for both genders, pale blue and orange. Being motor racing geeks, we were inspired by the classic Gulf Oil livery on Le Mans sportscars throughout the years from Steve McQueen's Porsche, to the McLarens I saw there in 1997 to this year's Aston Martins.

As for a theme, we thought about my niece, who had ladybugs on everything. K and I are both very into birds (being parrot owners) so we thought owls would make a very cute theme. Who doesn't like owls? Well, fieldmice I suppose, but apart from that....